Sneak Attacks

Last Friday was the start of the annual River Festival in Wichita. It always starts out with the Sundowner Parade and then later that evening, fireworks.

This years festival is no different. It goes on for about 10 days and is usually a pretty cool event.

One other thing that accompanies the Festival kickoff is the patio party at Julies work. They have a big BBQ, beer, pop, etc. There is a live band and everyone mingles around, eats, drinks, talks and just have an all around good time. . There is usually about 200-300 people that come in and out during the night. The party usually starts around 4pm and goes until the beer is gone. The parade usually starts about 6:30 so by that time everyone is well fed, effectively libated and in a very jovial mood.

It is a lot of fun. Julie has to work late (until the thing is over) but it's a casual working thing. She is allowed to drink, eat sit and talk and then every now and then she has to re-fill the coolers if needed, keep the meat rolling for the cook, etc. But by the end of the day she is pretty worn out.

At the end of the evening, we were getting ready to leave and I had to go to the bathroom. Now this is an older building, built in the 30's-40's, 3 stories and it never fails to amaze me at just how small the bathroom is. The ceiling in the bathroom is about 7 1/2 feet tall. Fine for the average bear but I am not the average bear. I only have a couple of inches of clearance and the ceiling over the sink is only about 6 ft. tall, so I have to wiggle in there to wash my hands. There is a small stall for the urinal and fastened to the wall on the left, at face level, for me anyway, is one of those squirt air fresheners. Everytime I go in there I have flashbacks to an incident that happened about 20 years ago. Subsequently, if I am alone in there, I stand back about 3 feet and aim for the trenches.

For those of you that don't know me, I have had a very interesting career history. I was in law enforcement as a police officer and later a sheriff's officer. I have been a bounty hunter, a professional body guard and professional wrestler. I was a mortgage broker and until I became disabled, I owned my own commercial lending company. And many years ago, I was a photographer and salesman for a glamour portrait studio. Like Glamour Shots. We traveled all over the U.S., working out of hotels or hair salons. It was actually pretty awesome. I got to see parts of the county that, unless you live there, most people don't see. We went from Indiana west to Washington and from Canada to Mexico.

On one of our trips we were out at a restaurant/bar one night eating, drinking and being merry. We had been there for quite a while listening to the band play and getting more toasted by the minute.

After a while the beer took over and I found myself staggering to the john. There were two other guys ahead of me and as we went in there were three urinals against the wall. Subsequently, I got stuck in the third urinal all the way to the right. I got settled, assumed the position which, for drunk male, is aiming with one hand and leaning against the wall with the other. Just as I get settled in and gravity took hold, I heard a click followed by a quiet buzzing noise. I looked over to my right and saw this automatic air freshener. For the average person it would be about a foot and a half over their head but again, I am far from average. These things are worse than the perfume snipers at the mall. This thing was eye level and at the same time that I looked over, this little ninja bastard squirts me right in the eyes. Straight on, both eyes. It was like someone shot me in the eyes with mace.

Now I have to admit, I felt a little sorry for the guys standing to my left because as soon as that thing shot me in the face all decorum and urinal etiquette flew RIGHT out the window. I started screaming, jumping up and down, spinning around, blinded by the spray. The aiming hand now had a new purpose; rubbing my eyes. I basically turned into a human sprinkler. I proceeded to hose everything down within 5 feet of me, including those guys beside me. The guys, the walls, the floor, hell I would be surprised if the ceiling was spared. I soaked everything and everyone.

I was finally able to make it to the sink and start rinsing my eyes out. Those guys were PISSED. Off and on LOL. Luckily there were a couple of other guys that we had been partying with who came in and where waiting their turn. They saw what happened and after they stopped laughing, or at least got their laughing somewhat under control, stepped in. They took my back and were able to calm the guys down, from a distance, and explain what happened. They still weren't real happy about the incident, but they walked away peacefully.

So, there I was last Friday, standing within mere inches of my nemesis. Just as I got done and stepped back I heard this click, a quiet buzzing noise followed by the sudden burst of air freshener. I walked away triumphantly.

Not this time you sneaky bastard. NOT THIS TIME.