Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Never stand behind the tall man

There are not many things in this world that embarrass me. Most of the times that it has happened have usually been at my own hands. This just happened to have been one of those times.

Several years ago we went to Oklahoma City to visit and stay with some friends of ours, Mike and Ramie. It was around Halloween and we hadn't seen them for a couple of years. We wanted to spend the weekend with them, hit some haunted houses, go out to eat, go to Frontier City and just hang out. For those of you unfamiliar with Frontier City it is an amusement park.

Now I like Halloween. I am not afraid to dress up and I have more than one story of Halloween that I will have to share. Maybe around Halloween itself.

We got there Friday afternoon and went out to eat. After that we went downtown and hit some of the bigger haunted houses. I used to love going out to haunted houses. I still do but they have gotten so expensive and they have gotten so cheesy that it's just not worth the money.

We went downtown to some of the old abandoned warehouses. They set up some serious haunted houses down there. Some of them were as much as 6 stories tall. That's where we went.

Now, being as tall as I am, not many of the actors in the house were expecting someone like me. Mike
 and I were not a safe couple to be around. Neither of us embarrassed easily, we loved to play pranks, jokes and we were very good at embarrassing other people. We would hold hands, skip through Toys -R-Us singing the Toys-R-Us song.  Yeah those kinda things. I dared Mike once to lay on the ground in a crowded restaurant and cry like a baby. He threw himself on the ground, grabbed his legs behind his knees and cried  for the lady at the next table to change him. Needless to say, I owed him lunch.

Anyway, we were walking through the haunted house and I saw Michael Meyers trying to sneak up on Mike. So I decided to sneak up behind him. Right before he could scare Mike I screamed as loud as I could. I about made him crap his pants. He was so mad he grabbed his mask off and turned around and came face to chest. He stormed away mad as everyone laughed.

Anyway, on to the embarrassing moment.

The next day (Saturday) we went out to Frontier City. We hit a bunch of the rides and decided to go through the haunted house that they had set up. We got in line, which was about a 1/2 mile long, and proceeded to wait our turn. We stood and talked, scooted forward and waited some more.

I ended up striking up a conversation with the couple in front of us. They had a couple of kids that were running around playing tag with each other. We talked for a while and would move. Talk and move. We were getting closer but man it was hot and muggy. We had gotten about halfway to the front of the line when all of a sudden.....WURP....My stomach did a flip flop and all of a sudden I had some serious gas pains. Here I was, standing in the middle of this long line, and I had to fart!!

I was holding things back, trying to keep from killing anyone and talking to Mike and Ramie. I turned back  around and noticed that the line had moved forward about 25-30 feet. This is my chance. I move forward about 20 feet or so and I look back and noticed that Mike and Ramie were still talking to the people behind them and hadn't moved up yet. I did a quick check over both shoulders to make sure the coast was clear and let it go. The crowd was just noisy enough to cover my tracks but it wasn't noisy enough to cover up the yell from below.


I had checked over both shoulders but I forgot to look down. YEAH. Right behind me. At ass level. In my blind spot, was this little girl about 5 years old. She was RIGHT THERE. Ass to nose. And she was yelling and crying DAADDDYY, HE FARTED RIGHT IN MY FACE. IT STINKS DADDY.

Daddy just so happened to be the guy that I had been talking too in front of us. Evidently the line moved and she didn't see it until I moved. She is yelling at the top of her lungs that I had just dropped wolf bait right in her face.

Of course, everyone in line was staring back and you could hear the murmur roll through the crowd. HEY, THAT BIG GUY JUST FARTED IN THAT LITTLE GIRLS FACE. And it wasn't just in line, it was everyone within about a 100 ft. radius. And news was spreading fast. Word of my farting in this little girls face was spreading like a wildfire. And the worse part was, I couldn't hide. I stick out like a turd in the punch bowl. It's not like there was another 7'3" tall guy that I could point to and blame it on. "Hey it was HIM, not ME". Doesn't quite work that way. They don't even have the giant cartoon characters running around so I couldn't even blame it on Goofy. Hell, there wasn't even an old man that I could pawn it off on. So yeah, all eyes were on ME.

Her dad lost it. He busted up laughing. He was laughing so hard that he was crying. I'm trying to apologize to her, him, her mom but, I mean really, what can you say. "Gee mister, I'm sorry I farted on your kid". She is still going on about me farting on her and he finally looks at her and said  "Honey, don't ever stand behind a tall man. If you hadn't had your nose in his butt you wouldn't have gotten farted on."
We finally made it up to the front of the line and when we got there the guys running the house said "Hey, you must be that guy that farted in that little girl's face.


The rest of the day was spent going from ride to ride, listening to people point and whisper; "Hey, there's that guy that farted in that little girls face".


  1. So sorry for the little girl & your brutal embarrassment. But you sure put yourself out there buddy. Guess you didn't travel far enough away from the crowd. Never thought of a human having a "blind spot".LOL Cool story bro!

  2. Good God, I've been on the receiving end of those farts before. I'm surprised she lived to tell about it.....