I was reading a blog by one of my fellow bloggers,Cmom, who has decided to re-enter the dating scene after being widowed about 10 years ago. She, like many other people in in our 40's and even older generations, has realized that our perceptions of what we look for in a partner has drastically changed from the time that we started dating. In high school all the guys wanted the beautiful, trim, petite, small butted, big breasted cheerleader and all the girls wanted the handsome, tall, muscular, football player with the tight ass and nice car. It didn't matter that they were treated like shit or cheated on by their choices. What mattered was the status that being with someone like that gave you in school. What everyone else thought. And in most cases the ordinary boys and girls that were left in the wings never seemed to end up together because dating someone like that always ended up causing you to be harassed and deemed social misfit's by the "cool kids".
What is even more unfortunate is that these characteristics and perceptions follow us into adult life. And sometimes, in women more so then men., these perceptions become so habit forming that they become dangerous. Girls that tend to be abused when they are younger tend to seek that behavior in the men they date. I compare this behavior to that of someone who has been in prison for several years. They hate being there. They long to be free. But when they are finally released and able to do what they want they realize that they are afraid of the freedom that they have so longed for. It is not comfortable to them. They aren't sure of what is going to happen next. So, out of fear of the unknown, they commit a crime and go straight back to prison. They may not like it but it is familiar to them. They know what they can and cannot do and what will happen if they screw up.
Same thing in an abusive relationship. The women want to be out of the relationship but when they find someone that treats them right it is virgin territory to them. Someone treats them nice and they aren't used to it. Even though they like it, they don't know where the lines are. Where is the line in the sand? What can they or can't they do to get abused. The fear of being abused is always there so they walk around on eggshells. In a lot of cases they finally go back because even though they don't like the abuse, it is more familiar to them and easier to predict.
After being out of the dating scene, trying to find that right person can be very scary and intimidating. As we get older we are like cars that have been setting for awhile. Our tires are kind of sunk into the ground, our luster starts to fade and getting out of the rut can be hard. Being intimidated or just naive makes people go back to old habits. You start looking for what you think you want not realizing that your doing it. Sometimes you just don't see the forest for the trees. My story of my wife and I, A love story, is a pretty typical example of that. Mine wasn't so much of me looking for a specific type of person, well maybe it was, but I, like so many others, kept dating the people that shit on us the most and when I finally found the diamond in the rough I was to blinded by my own mis-perceptions that I almost missed out on the best thing to ever happen to me. But it is pretty funny how our preferences and outlook on things change when we get older. Things like stability, loyalty, honesty and integrity far outweigh looks, height, weight, boob size and bravado. We start looking for Mr. or Mrs. right and not Mr. or Mrs. right now. Who are we going to grow old with. Suddenly the thought of growing old alone becomes all to real.
I do feel that one of the biggest mistakes that many married people make is thinking that relationships are 50/50 propositions. You hear it all the time. Advice at weddings. "Remember kids, marriage is a 50/50 proposition". To me this is the worse advice that can be given at weddings. Each person must be willing to do their part, but the saying that marriages are 50/50 is just not true. Marriages are 100% propositions and there are going to be times when your partner can't give their 50%. In fact, there are very few times that it is 50/50. In that case, the other partners must be willing to go that extra step and pick up the slack without holding it against the other person. There are times when it is going to be 40/60, 20/80 or hell even 5/95. That holds true in our case. When Julie and I were married, I was healthy. I was able to do more around the home, help take care of things better. When my health changed and I became disabled, our "50/50" relationship changed. It is more 30/70. What happened to me, in 90% of the cases, ends marriages. Most spouses don't stick around. It even amazed the Dr's. and nurses. They said they see it all the time when there is a prolonged hospital stay. The spouse is there every day, then a couple of times a week, then once a week and eventually, they just fade away. Next thing they know, there is a process server serving divorce papers because the spouse can't handle it. I feel that when couples go into a marriage thinking that it is a 50/50 proposition that they set themselves up for failure. You always hear it in a divorce. The other partner didn't do THEIR half.
I am glad that I was finally able to break away from the mold that I had created. The mold that I thought my perfect woman had to fit into. By breaking away from it I was able to find the perfect woman for me. The woman that I didn't even know was the one right for me until she showed me. It reminds me of the scene from the movie "Weird Science". At the end, Gary tells Deb, that Lisa was the girl of his dreams, what he wanted, before he realized what he wanted. I love my wife more than anything in the world. She has given me two beautiful girls, loves me like there is no tomorrow and has stood beside me in my highest and lowest points in my life, including a year long hospital stay.
She tells me that she finally got her tall, handsome, muscular football player with the tight ass and I tell her that I finally got my beautiful, petite, big breasted cheerleader. It doesn't matter anymore what anyone else sees or thinks. I have found the love of my life and if she doesn't fit into the mold of what other people think than I feel sorry for them.
And even though it is somewhat strange to think that she was in kindergarten while I was graduating from high school, I lay in bed at night and think to myself; SELF your a 47 yr old man with a smoking hot 35 year old wife. Even if she does need glasses LOL.
Good luck Lisa. I hope you find someone.